My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
