Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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