3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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