It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
