new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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