my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
