Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
