He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
