Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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