Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
