I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
