I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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