i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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