Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
