So drunk its hurt
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
