She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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