She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
