Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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