I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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