her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
