We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
