Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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