Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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