ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
whose parrot is this?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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