well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
