god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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