I wanna bring you to show and tell
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
