you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
