I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Did I show you my penis last night?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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