is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
