at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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