Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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