Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
