Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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