i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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