This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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