I feel like I'm in dance class right now
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
