Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
