Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
