I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
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