I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
