The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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