my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
