I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
