My underwear smells like fireworks.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
