Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
