Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
