did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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