Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
This is classic penis vs brain.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
