If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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