My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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