Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
