Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
