Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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