I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My ass is underappreciated
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
